At the risk of departing from the usual devotion, I am going to share a life event that happened this past Saturday after the prayer vigil against the porn industry.
When I got home from the prayer vigil, within minutes, there was a knock at my door. It was my neighbor, a 28 year old male. We did some small talk and I asked him inside wondering what he wanted. From time-to-time he comes over wanting to go out for a bike ride or to the beach.
As he walked in the house he asked for his gym pass from LA Fitness. He had given the pass to me months ago stating he never used it. I interpreted this as him not wanting it anymore. After using the pass several times, one afternoon I walked into the gym, and as they scanned the pass the staff member behind the counter told me I didn’t look like the person in the photo I.D. I told him it was my neighbor’s pass and he let me use it. This is against gym policy and I had to give it up. I haven’t used the pass in over six weeks.
As I continued eating my bowl of rice and chicken, my neighbor raised his voice and said, “WHERE’S MY PASS!” I told him I didn’t have it anymore. He then raised his voice even louder and said, “WHERE’S MY (very strong expletive) PASS DUDE!”
I was shocked. We have gotten along fine up to this point and for the life of me I could not understand what was going on. He seemed so charged and angry. As I tried to explain he went off again. Then, he stormed out of the house swearing more.
WOW! I just got home from a prayer vigil and now my neighbor hates me. What happened?
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus clearly deals with life’s practical difficulties, most of which are relational (brother to brother). Here, Jesus is dealing with anger, and it is strong teaching. I think the essential questions to ask are;
* Why is Jesus so serious about this subject?
* What does this communicate about His character as Lord?
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift.
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”
Some great principles of conflict resolution here:
Don’t condemn the other person.
Within Jesus’ words His own encouragement is of not degrading the other. He says, “Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22b). The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (ISBE) defines Raca as “Vain or worthless fellow; a term of contempt used by the Jews in the time of Christ.”
One of the worst things that we can do when in conflict is to narrow the one with whom we disagree down to two-dimensions by resorting to an ad hominem argument. We execute this type of argument when we argue against a position someone else is taking by verbally attacking them personally. Not only is this logically fallacious but it can also exacerbate a disagreement because the one with whom you disagree may be offended. Suddenly we’re talking about them and not about why they believe what they believe. They can feel demeaned. Employing this kind of argumentation distances relationships and makes reconciliation that much harder.
--Maybe it was because I just came from a prayer vigil, but I was very calm. I usually go down when another goes up. I focused on the facts of “why” I didn’t have the gym pass despite him not wanting to hear it or being controlled by his anger. He came into my house with his mind already made up about the matter. There was no reasoning with him.
Lean into the controversy by settling matters quickly.
Jesus counsels resolution before escalation to third parties. It is better if two folks can settle things themselves. It, I believe, adds more protection to the relationship. And this is to be done quickly, even the offering of gifts at the altar is to be set aside while reconciliation is sought.
--After he left and I calmed down some, I called LA Fitness and asked what to do if a member loses a pass. I was told there was a $5 renewal fee. I waited 30 minutes, walked to my car, got $5 then I walked across the street. Instead of dealing with my neighbor, I went to his older brother and explained, offering the money to him. Then his mother came out. I explained that the gym told me the membership had been cancelled when they found out I wasn’t a member which confirmed to me he indeed didn’t want the pass or membership anymore and offered to give the money to her for a new pass.
As I tried to make peace rather than allowing my pride (I was right and he was wrong and disrespectful) take over, I moved on the matter. After I got home, 10 minutes later his brother came over to my house. I thought he was going to give me an update on the situation. He asked for a wrench because his water heater had a leak. Go figure. I went over and helped him with the leak. Both he and his mother drove with me to
I called about an hour later to speak with my neighbor but he had gone for a bike ride. His mother said all was fine and to not worry about anything. My natural desire is to want to make things right, and in this case speak with him directly, but I listened to his mother and let it go.
In Jesus’ teaching we see some of the answers to the above questions posted. Jesus is consistent with His design. He created the world and as part of this creation, we see the importance of relationships. In Jesus’ teaching, the dignity of a soul is always supreme. I think it’s fair to say Jesus hates The Jerry Springer Show. Shows like this bring a destructive element into society making it seem reasonable to become extremely offensive because the worth of a soul is diminished to the anger of another’s hatred.
What is your relational style when dealing with conflict?
* Do you attack the person instead of the idea?
* Do you attempt to settle things quickly to avoid anger rooting deeply into the relationship?
* Are you willing to take the first step to resolve conflict or do you wait for the other person to do so?
The wisdom of Jesus is rooted in His character and holiness. He is love and wants us to relate with a view of love consistent to His character because we are made in His image. This gives glory to the Father and should be the desire of all who follow Jesus as Lord. I will not skirt the issue telling you my pride wasn’t wounded—it was, and I wanted to attack for a short time, and was tempted to do so verbally in our quick exchange.
The Deeper View
My neighbor was a victim of a drive-by shooting about ten years ago. He has lived in virtual isolation until recently coming outside to do yard work, riding his bike and going to the beach. He seemed in shock for such a long time. His relational style is very narrow. He is hyper-sensitive to conflict and gets hurt easily. I don’t know him well, but I “feel” him when I am around him. He is wound super-tight and has strong black and white thinking. This became evident when he came over Saturday. If I attacked him verbally by telling him to get a life and grow up, to start dealing with the real world and learn how to live with others what would have been the result?
By God’s grace that didn’t happen, but it would have in the past. I would have directly come after him and have done with others in the past. I can stand back and see this event as something God used in my life because for a long time I related like my neighbor, especially at his age. I was very sensitive and would think things through before actually relating to a person. In my mind I had everything clearly down, got emotionally charged only to find out I usually missed the obvious.
One aspect of Celebrate Recovery I have come to appreciate is the small group sharing. This gives me a deeper view of each person’s life story. It has allowed me to see things deeper in the lives of others rather than being limited by my own personal feelings.
My desire today is to make peace, to go the extra mile and I thank Jesus for His teaching knowing it is wise and beneficial for all parties involved. My classroom for this life lesson was my living room.
Thank you Jesus and might my neighbor one day know You.
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