Part 3: Solving Your Challenges
If you were able to do a list (see part 2), it's time to decide what you can and cannot control. For example, your mother tends to be openly critical about what you wear. It hurts you most during the holidays because she does it in front of people. Her criticism brings up all sorts of childhood memories and ends up putting a major dent in your self-image (which you've been working so hard on lately).
You cannot control your mother. That's all there is to it. Yes, maybe someday the two of you can sit down and talk rationally about it, but Thanksgiving dinner certainly is not the time. The only thing you can control is how you react to your mother's comments. You may be tempted to avoid your mother altogether, but, often the outcome of avoiding one's mother is far more painful than putting up with some baseless criticism.
Only you can decide the best way for you to handle such a situation, but the bottom line is that you do have control over your reaction to her comments.
One possible reaction is to say, "I appreciate your opinion, Mom, and I think we both know that we don't agree on clothes. I like my outfit a lot." Say it with a smile, and even go one step further by complimenting (if you can do it genuinely) something about her appearance. And move on. That's it; it's over for now.
This one small example is meant to illustrate that you cannot control other people. You may face far more serious situations than a little scuffle about clothing (although the emotions involved in the clothing example are more serious than they appear on the surface). In fact, you don't have much control over your own emotions which rise initially during such a situation. You do have control over what you do about them. When your mom criticizes you, don't beat yourself up for feeling that initial blow to your self-image. Feel it, react with care, and move on.
Your solutions will be as many and varied as your challenges. By breaking down the holidays into each situation you may face, you'll find that the season is more manageable for you. When you write your list, you may find that you can't figure out a solution. Don't just leave it, wait for the situation to arrive, and hope to think of a solution then. Take your list to a friend to work through the situation and come up with appropriate coping methods.
Tomorrow: Part 4: General Preparation
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