Last Monday we looked at five of the ten stages of love addiction. They were obsession, the hunt, recruitment, gratification, and return to normal. This week we look at part two.
10 Stages of Love Addiction (part 2). To review part 1, go HERE.
6. Justification. The very fact of having "resolved" these problems by resorting to romantic fantasy or acting out frequently brings its own feelings of guilt and remorse. The addict then begins to justify his behavior. He convinces himself that what he did "wasn't so bad," that "everyone does it," that it was "normal," or at least "understandable" for someone with his unique circumstances and special needs. His self-talk sounds like this: "But I needed it. I deserved it. Besides, I really had no choice. It's just the way I am. I was only doing what comes naturally to me." In this phase particularly, the addict rationalizes what he has done to the victim. Even if the gratification involved another living, breathing, feeling human being, he depersonalizes the entire episode. Inn his mind the other person was not a "real" person at all, just a component in the staging of a complex romantic drama.
7. Blame. Most addicts cannot successfully rationalize their behavior without blaming someone for it. The addict will blame his parents, his spouse, someone from his past who has let him down, and lay his underlying pain at their feet. Fundamentally, he refuses to take responsibility for his own situation, but blames others for "driving" him to make the choices he makes.
8. Shame. But justifying and blame-shifting only go so far. Invariably the addict carries a residual awareness of what she has done - and of what her actions say about what kind of person she must be. Inevitably that awareness comes to the surface in the form of guilt over what she has done and shame over who she really is. The very nature of shame is that it be repressed, "stuffed" deep inside her mind and heart, rather than brought into the light and dealt with. Thus are sown deep seeds of self-loathing - seeds that will eventually give birth to the pain that launches the whole cycle all over again.
9. Despair. The experience of careening from high excitement at the outset of the cycle to shame and guilt at its conclusion, and the awareness that the cycle is unstoppable, produces hopelessness. When the fix is off, the addict's whole world comes crashing down. The sense of pain or emptiness that originally fueled the addictive behavior is nothing compared to the agonies of depression and despair. And those agonies get worse with every trip through the cycle.
10. Promises. Because the pain is so great, the addict swears "never to do it again." He will be different. He will thing differently. He will live a new life. He will never go to "those places" or read "those books" or watch "those programs" again. But the prospect of keeping all these promises - the same ones he has made, and promptly broken, so many times before - only heightens the sense of frustration and adds to the addict's despair. He knows it is only a matter of time until the obsessive thoughts start t crowd in again and he will be caught in the addictive cycle once more.
10 Stages of Love Addiction (part 2). To review part 1, go HERE.
6. Justification. The very fact of having "resolved" these problems by resorting to romantic fantasy or acting out frequently brings its own feelings of guilt and remorse. The addict then begins to justify his behavior. He convinces himself that what he did "wasn't so bad," that "everyone does it," that it was "normal," or at least "understandable" for someone with his unique circumstances and special needs. His self-talk sounds like this: "But I needed it. I deserved it. Besides, I really had no choice. It's just the way I am. I was only doing what comes naturally to me." In this phase particularly, the addict rationalizes what he has done to the victim. Even if the gratification involved another living, breathing, feeling human being, he depersonalizes the entire episode. Inn his mind the other person was not a "real" person at all, just a component in the staging of a complex romantic drama.
7. Blame. Most addicts cannot successfully rationalize their behavior without blaming someone for it. The addict will blame his parents, his spouse, someone from his past who has let him down, and lay his underlying pain at their feet. Fundamentally, he refuses to take responsibility for his own situation, but blames others for "driving" him to make the choices he makes.
8. Shame. But justifying and blame-shifting only go so far. Invariably the addict carries a residual awareness of what she has done - and of what her actions say about what kind of person she must be. Inevitably that awareness comes to the surface in the form of guilt over what she has done and shame over who she really is. The very nature of shame is that it be repressed, "stuffed" deep inside her mind and heart, rather than brought into the light and dealt with. Thus are sown deep seeds of self-loathing - seeds that will eventually give birth to the pain that launches the whole cycle all over again.
9. Despair. The experience of careening from high excitement at the outset of the cycle to shame and guilt at its conclusion, and the awareness that the cycle is unstoppable, produces hopelessness. When the fix is off, the addict's whole world comes crashing down. The sense of pain or emptiness that originally fueled the addictive behavior is nothing compared to the agonies of depression and despair. And those agonies get worse with every trip through the cycle.
10. Promises. Because the pain is so great, the addict swears "never to do it again." He will be different. He will thing differently. He will live a new life. He will never go to "those places" or read "those books" or watch "those programs" again. But the prospect of keeping all these promises - the same ones he has made, and promptly broken, so many times before - only heightens the sense of frustration and adds to the addict's despair. He knows it is only a matter of time until the obsessive thoughts start t crowd in again and he will be caught in the addictive cycle once more.
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Review both lists and ask God to reveal what areas need focus and attention. Celebreate Recovery has step-study groups for this very purpose. Once denial is removed where do you go? This is where the community of Christ-followers gather to share and meet God where we most resist change.
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