Have you had a situation where you decided to change a particular habit or behavior and are successful for a couple weeks (maybe longer), only to find the habit or behavior returning? I think we can all agree that real change is hard!
It is difficult to give up old habits and patterns of behaving and relating. How many times have you said to God, yourself and others that you are going to change and yet resort back to the old way of acting? Maybe you are just beginning recovery and are not sure about making changes others say you need to make.
Why is this resistance to change so difficult & how to overcome it?
Resistance is a force that pushes back against movement in a particular direction. In terms of dealing with sexual addiction (and addiction in general), resistance will be encountered as you try to change the old way of behaving.
Resistance will be encountered as you
try to change the old way of behaving.
This resistance will manifest in several ways. The first resistance encountered will be simply to admit you have a problem that needs change. This admission is the first step in the recovery process. It is the step of honesty. Overcoming denial often results when the pain of our behavior is worse than the rewards it brings.
We admitted we were powerless over our
addictions and compulsive behaviors.
That our lives had become unmanageable.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
Pain is a powerful motivator in breaking down resistance to change. Admitting the consequences of our actions can make us face reality and the pain it brings. It further helps one see the unmanageability of life and powerlessness over one’s behavior. When one sees the insanity of what you have been doing, you are ready to truly move forward in recovery.
In the early stages of recovery, being in a recovery group and for some, individual therapy, helps to break through the denial and have the needed support to deal with the pain of the addict’s life.
In understanding resistance to change, one must take into account the physical impact of addiction. Research on sex addicts' brains show a striking similarity to the brains of cocaine addicts. The implications in terms of treatment is that the hyper-stimulation that comes from engaging in a sexual addiction alters the brain chemistry, leaving a clear bio-chemical component as one quits the habit.
Withdrawal symptoms include distress, anxiety, restlessness or irritability when unable to engage in the behavior. Resistance can be experienced powerfully as the person goes through withdrawal. A person might consider a good evaluation by a therapist familiar with addiction and the treatment required to help during this time of transition.
As a person begins to give up the old patterns of behaving, all of the emotions he or she has been medicating through the addiction will begin to come back. Simply put, there will be an awareness of emotional pain. Resistance here will be to find another way to medicate the pain. Here again, one must confront and put into place new strategy’s for handling pain.
No one likes to feel pain, yet it is God’s way of
driving us to look to Him to find solutions rather
than in our own resources.
Addicts generally have more than one addiction. So while stopping the sexual addiction, the addict may increase the activity in another addiction to mediate the withdrawal symptoms. Or while the person gives up the sexual addiction, he replaces it with another addiction with the majority of emotional and behavioral features remaining the same.
Here, the person has not dealt with the core problems. He has simply found another way of self-medicating. Perhaps the greater battle will be found in changing your belief system.
The Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9).
We have this capacity to deceive ourselves. It also says that change comes by the renewing of our mind. When we get caught up in a pattern of acting that gets entrenched, we find numerous ways of defending that behavior. Stronghold beliefs (II Corinthians 10 3-5) are the ways we protect patterns and actions that we wish to engage in that are contrary to living the way God wants us to live.
Denial is the way addicts protect sexual behavior that they want to continue to engage in. Resistance will be found in the reasons one continues to justify engaging in self-destructive ways. Rationalizations (“I don’t have a problem, you all are just sexually too conservative”), minimizing (“it’s not a problem”), and comparison (I’m not as bad as some of the others”) are just a few.
In twelve step language, this equates to “stinking thinking.”
One must be relentless in rooting out distortions in thinking. In order to do this, the individual must ask help of others in the recovery community to confront distortions when they hear it. You must not allow pride (“I can do this on my own, or I don’t need to tell others or ask for help”) to get in the way. Remember, it is your own thinking that has got you in the mess in the first place.
We must recruit the help of the recovery community in overcoming resistance to change.
Recovery and change doesn’t just happen. Breaking through resistance is a daily battle that Paul reminds us in Galatians 5:16-26 of the spirit and the flesh at war with one another. Paul had to crucify the flesh and its passions. To overcome resistance, one needs to be honest.
Find safe people where you can share and be held accountable. Get a sponsor to assist you to work through a twelve step program and establish and maintain sobriety will really be helpful. Establish good spiritual habits of devotion, bible study, and fellowship with other believers. Avoid isolating. We need each other in this battle.
Remember;
1) Resistance will be encountered as you try to change the old way of behaving. You are NOT alone here.
2) Addicts generally have more than one addiction.
3) The heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). We have this capacity to deceive ourselves.
4) Denial is the way addicts protect behavior that they want to continue to engage in by rationalizing, minimizing, and comparison.
5) One must be relentless in rooting out distortions in thinking.
God, pain is Your way of driving us to Yourself. Give us the courage to face our pain and resist denial by rationalizing, minimizing, and comparing our sinful behavior. Help us to change our thinking and to seek holiness in our lives. May we humble ourselves to rely on You, Your Spirit, Your Word, and the people of God. Thank you for the foundations You have given me in my life. I am not alone in my recovery. Help me to reach out to others, even if that means a warm smile to someone else today. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Answered Prayer!
Yesterday I posted this email from a friend who had to evacuate because of the fires that surrounded his home;
“As you might know, the So Cal fires are really bad, and the Santiago Canyon Fire is now upon our neighborhood. It is surrounding the community of Foothill Ranch where we live, and there doesn't seem to be enough fire crews or air support to fight it effectively at this point. We have packed up our cars and are ready to evacuate. Would you take a moment to please pray for our community as well as the many others being impacted by this horrendous fire season.”
I recieved this email as an update to his circumstances;
Thank you so much for praying!! We got so many encouraging notes back our family had a huge sense that we were being prayed for.
The fire ended up around 4:00pm coming through the trailhead canyon that is behind the houses right across the street from us. We were told if it did we would need to evacuate. There is so much fuel in this canyon (brush, shrubs, huge oak trees, etc.) we knew it would be bad. It came through very quickly and we evacuated as we saw it coming. In tears and exhausted we drove away wondering if we would ever be back.
Other neighbors stayed. After being gone at my mom's apartment in Mission Viejo for about an hour, we called some of those neighbors who said the fire had worked its way through the canyon and for the most part climbed the ridge on the opposite side of the canyon. Our neighbors right across the street had a palm tree in their back yard catch fire . . . but that was the worst of it.
So we're back home tonight, though there are still many patches of fire burning that we can see. The firemen said it should be fine, and that they would be here for the next two weeks!
There's definitely something about packing your cars with what really matters that has a way of helping one with priorities. Now we get to put all that "stuff" back, thankful that its not the ONLY stuff we still have. So many others were not as blessed today. Please continue to pray for them.
We love you all!
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